The Calcutta Special

It seems in this day and age to be a common occurrence. You decide that 11 hours of being jacked in and relaxing is hard work. So you do what you know you should and book the family unit in for quality time. Dinner, conversation and a chance to play with the kids before bed. You cooked the meal. You have your butt poised in that position that makes it hurt your knees if you stop and the @#%$ing phone rings. You can tell by the tone it is the Calcutta special. Your family arent even ignorant enough to call at this time of day without someone being dead.

I hear ya when you say "Well don't answer it". But, I'm a great believer in instant karma. Thing is im generous to a fault with it. You annoy me and I will stop just short of destroying your mind for the fun of it. I have recieved so many of these calls now that I have types listed mentally from the first few words.

THE SPIEL CHOKE: These tardnuts are nearly as useful as a recorded message. You pick up the magic talking stick and before you can say a word they read the script at a speed that would make ADHD look passive, in an accent that can only make me think of Kwik E Mart. Good news here is you just keep interrupting with "What are you selling?" They have to start again on the spiel because you threw off the groove.

THE TRAGIC : These poor saps get on the phone with a tone of misery that can only be attained from being whipped with a wet salted bunch of leather 23.5 hours a day. These are the ones where I feel almost obligated to listen to them and be polite for fear that the supervisor of the 10 cent a day sweat shop will shoot them to be replaced by the next eager candidate if they dont get the spiel out.

THE TECH PROBLEM: These are the ones that convince me that no-one in India has ever seen a tone dial phone let alone a cell.It ends up like a who's on first? sketch. Hello? Hello? Hello? "You are to be having a very not good line sir."( Notes 10 second delay, static and echo with a faint trace of Bollywood music) These ones are good you can hang up without offending them.

THE VISHNU: Look out. These are the ones you need to have your guard up for. It seems like the arm you are on is very rudely interrupting the other seven arm's calls. Without fail these ones are female every time. Short, sharp and highly abrasive. The tone makes you feel like you have just killed her grandmother. You are one of the chosen few graced with the importance of her time. No is not an option (either that or I need to learn the hindi for %$&# off you skank stain.) You will comply. The Bollywood Borg have you now. Im scared to hang up on these ones. You get the feeling that you will find a severed goat's head in your mailbox the next week.

THE REPEAT OFFENDER: Fairly obvious. ::ring ring:: ::insert choice of no thankyou:: ::click:: ::ring ring:: "You just called me. Move your finger down the list one line FFS" I have had this repeat a record 6 times in one evening later than 8:30pm.

THE WOODY ALLEN: These guys should be more numerous. They know the answer before you speak and just give up with a polite thankyou before you can get into them.

The US thought they had an epidemic with postal workers. Wait until this mob reaches critical mass on the stress scale. It will make 28 Weeks Later look like Bambi. "CNN reports 1, 578, 426 fatalities accounted for so far in the Bombay Bloodbath" It will all end in tears. Mark my words.