public disservice announcement

I have had a couple of requests from phpbb forums and other blogs to be able to use the pics that I work over with Adobe Creative Suite CS3 Design Premium and Comic Life from PLASQ. So I have decided that this blog is going to be more for promoting picture answers for posts. (No that doesn't mean I am giving up calling it as I see it. But thanks for the hate mail.) Feel free to use them in any forum you like for non commercial use. Please leave the cynicdotcomic blog address on them ( i make it as small as i can anyway) and point your friends here to gather the collection. If you have requests please leave a comment I will see what i can do. Sending pictures of your mom and sister to be doctored to their disgust is also acceptable.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

iSurface Microphone

Loads of hype. Nothing new over any release from the big 2. Apple just released the iPhone. Of course every Apple freak has to have one to add to the collection of apple products. I sit here with my iPod syncing on the Mac mini while I wax typographical on the G4 (because the wife said I was hogging the G5and she is sick of the Powerbook ::rolls eyes::) and i'm jonesin like a crack addict to get one. This despite the fact I cant stand the idea of what is going on here. I mean if you look at the 20 minute sell by sexy video that they put up it combines all your needs into one sleek package. That is a wonder of modern technology. Or so you would think.

My buddy Brian lined up for his. He marvelled and oohed and ahhhed while it synced up but then came the first complaint. "I have to keep wiping fingerprints off the screen." Steve told me they are working on a Matrix style iTelepathophone for version 2. No touching necessary. Be patient my pretties. Others have brought up "If it has no buttons how do I dial while I drive?" 1. YOU DON'T. Calling your next client to tell him you will be arriving in 5 minutes is dumb. Reps that used to do this when coming to see me found that I suddenly had emergency meetings to attend. You are close enough to arriving to save the excitement of saying hello for when you get there. 2. Ever heard of voice dialling? Nokia perfected it back when you had to have a strongman to carry your phone's battery pack.

Problems I have with the "all in one" concept.
1. If it breaks down you lose multiple devices in one sitting. If my iPod breaks I can still use my phone and my laptop.
2. the more you have in one product the less likely it is you need all of the features. My current phone can do magical mystical things. I use it to call people. When I'm out. If I bother to take it.
3. It is one step closer to being lojacked. I like being uncontactable when I choose to be.

All in all though my friends with shares are happy. Ride the boom, sell at peak, buy back in on the afterglow low and ride up again on the V2 release. As usual I think Apple have taken the right direction with this. Like any Beta from apple it will improve and become part of the culture.

On the other end of the scale Microsoft are off on a tangent again. Microsoft Surface is Pretty. For a technophile like myself it is a wet dream. But really what is it? Simple answer it's a $10K coffee table (Magnificent parody on YouTube) that few people are going to bother with. Yes it has great potential for education and marketing. it has the wow factor. The problem is Government have enough of a problem coughing up a few bucks to buy basic textbooks for classrooms. They even scrimp on the computers they choose to supply if they supply them at all. It will be one of those have to have items for the rich and trendy as well as upper end boutique stores. That isnt going to do much for mass marketability. Basically Microsoft have defeatured an iPhone and built it to government specifications. Turning a mouse into an elephant is frankly not the way technology is supposed to go. Although I have to admit that if the price dropped to $5K I would start to think up reasons (read excuses) to convince the minister of war and finace (read wife) with.

Technology is so smart and so dumb at the same time. I tend to be a bit of a rabbit with it. I sit staring at the pretty lights until I get shot in the credit card. I think it is the same for many of us. That is why regardless of any opinion stated by anyone these giants will never broke. They know how to make us ignore the faults and focus on the pretty lights.

The Calcutta Special

It seems in this day and age to be a common occurrence. You decide that 11 hours of being jacked in and relaxing is hard work. So you do what you know you should and book the family unit in for quality time. Dinner, conversation and a chance to play with the kids before bed. You cooked the meal. You have your butt poised in that position that makes it hurt your knees if you stop and the @#%$ing phone rings. You can tell by the tone it is the Calcutta special. Your family arent even ignorant enough to call at this time of day without someone being dead.

I hear ya when you say "Well don't answer it". But, I'm a great believer in instant karma. Thing is im generous to a fault with it. You annoy me and I will stop just short of destroying your mind for the fun of it. I have recieved so many of these calls now that I have types listed mentally from the first few words.

THE SPIEL CHOKE: These tardnuts are nearly as useful as a recorded message. You pick up the magic talking stick and before you can say a word they read the script at a speed that would make ADHD look passive, in an accent that can only make me think of Kwik E Mart. Good news here is you just keep interrupting with "What are you selling?" They have to start again on the spiel because you threw off the groove.

THE TRAGIC : These poor saps get on the phone with a tone of misery that can only be attained from being whipped with a wet salted bunch of leather 23.5 hours a day. These are the ones where I feel almost obligated to listen to them and be polite for fear that the supervisor of the 10 cent a day sweat shop will shoot them to be replaced by the next eager candidate if they dont get the spiel out.

THE TECH PROBLEM: These are the ones that convince me that no-one in India has ever seen a tone dial phone let alone a cell.It ends up like a who's on first? sketch. Hello? Hello? Hello? "You are to be having a very not good line sir."( Notes 10 second delay, static and echo with a faint trace of Bollywood music) These ones are good you can hang up without offending them.

THE VISHNU: Look out. These are the ones you need to have your guard up for. It seems like the arm you are on is very rudely interrupting the other seven arm's calls. Without fail these ones are female every time. Short, sharp and highly abrasive. The tone makes you feel like you have just killed her grandmother. You are one of the chosen few graced with the importance of her time. No is not an option (either that or I need to learn the hindi for %$&# off you skank stain.) You will comply. The Bollywood Borg have you now. Im scared to hang up on these ones. You get the feeling that you will find a severed goat's head in your mailbox the next week.

THE REPEAT OFFENDER: Fairly obvious. ::ring ring:: ::insert choice of no thankyou:: ::click:: ::ring ring:: "You just called me. Move your finger down the list one line FFS" I have had this repeat a record 6 times in one evening later than 8:30pm.

THE WOODY ALLEN: These guys should be more numerous. They know the answer before you speak and just give up with a polite thankyou before you can get into them.

The US thought they had an epidemic with postal workers. Wait until this mob reaches critical mass on the stress scale. It will make 28 Weeks Later look like Bambi. "CNN reports 1, 578, 426 fatalities accounted for so far in the Bombay Bloodbath" It will all end in tears. Mark my words.

Dawkins Vs God

I have been indulging lately. Books are my favourite mind snack. The good thing about anything from the pen of Richard Dawkins is that for the price of a small lunch you get a feast that can last on the reread and reference again for measures of weeks and months. Dripping with information and rational arguement, it isn't a case of too heavy to get the mind to swallow. His writing style gets you to open your own tangents that require the rereading of the book as a reference point for quenching the thirst.

It would seem that Dawkins has popularised and united athiests the world over withThe God Delusion. About time too. I think the religions of the world were getting a little too comfy with the false hope that the heathens had given up the fight. Well the fundamentalists of the world are still after everyones heads but i'm quite sure if they killed everyone else they would turn on eachother for a quick chance at 72 raisins of crystal clarity.

In the usual case of blunt ignorance the theists don't seem to look on the bright side of this surge of rational atheists. Some of us are picking up bibles for the first time in our lives to check out where the fairy tale comes apart. (we know it is from beginning to end, but scientific method requires that even the fairy tales be checked for validity). We are studying the teachings of all the major as well as the minor fringe cults. Don't the followers of the sky fairy see that all publicity is good publicity? While it isnt likely that either side will suffer casualties to the other, it has opened the floodgates for battling for the "souls" of future generations.It isn't hard to see why Pappa Benny has called for the Catholic Jihad on Richard. For those that don't know the Catholic Jihad involves making non believers do the sit, stand, kneel, spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch until you pass out from joint pain or motion sickness. Apparently not only shall God smite Richard but Satan will have a good time with him too. More likely that if Satan existed he would have a rational conversation with Richard on the moot point of God's existence.

My sources in the Vatican have said that Benny is looking at making the Catholic faith more "hip" to todays youth. Sorry Benny boy, but as much as you dress it up you cant make osteoporosis cool. Maybe considering getting the boys of the cloth to wear pants and take an interest in the opposite sex might get you closer to the mark? I mean look at Nicholas Cage as a priest in Face Off. He not only showed the mad face of religion. He made it look cool. Theres a lesson there Benny. Show some of the evil face of religion instead of denying it. You will all feel better for it. Of course not as good as you would feel if you got a real job. But it would be a start. Take it to mass on Sunday. Have a chat with the lads. Then call me we can do lunch. I'll invite Richard.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Wrasslin with da Family

Don't get me wrong. I think stuntmen are the unsung heroes of entertainment. The real ones that is. The ones behind the scenes or with their back to the camera. I think that the problem we have is with the ones that think they are superheroes. Spandex bags of wallnuts with the brains of slime mould and the braun of small tanks.

Take said jock and give them a script that would make Days of our young and restless bold and beautiful hospitals look like Hamlet. Get them to show the world hate is bad love is good through pretending to beat the hell out of echother (are you seeing where im going yet? If not may be where you need to be. They have chicks as well as dudes for you sexually insecure types) Better yet make sure that this violence solves everything fiction appeals to the audience that least understands the concept of it not being real. Namely kids and rednecks. Hell I enjoy seeing a good bit of violence on the screen or in dem dere videeuh gaymes. But handing a copy of rocky to a brain damaged redneck is only asking for trouble.

So what comes now? Psychological testing of all the freaks in the show? Nah. Business as usual. Doesn't happen often enough for it to be anything to do with injecting the juice of horse testicles into yourself 3 times a day "for the sake of the fans" never mind the presures of having to to stay employed as a human punching bag.

Hollywood will be licking their lips waiting to pounce on the rights to the B grade midday movie "Wrasslin with da Family" A gritty drama of a hero turned villain. No doubt it will be embellished with his wife being taken out with a choke slam and his son going out with a pile driver and in between scenes of him pacing the back yard talking to himself as if the camera isnt there. (Be a giggle if he asked for a microphone to speak to the fans huh?)
From reports it looks like a bit of religion was involved here. Never understood religion myself. Seems way too illogical. Read the good book, kill your family and give them a copy each after they are a little bit too dead to read it and then go hang yourself for good measure. Am I missing something here? Oh yeah the big point. Why does this idiot rate being talk of the town just because he liked to cuddle other guys while he wears lycra girdles? An idiot my Dad worked with set fire to his wife after he tied her to the bed. Didnt even make the news. Maybe because it wouldnt make good TV. Not enough OOH AHHHHHHHH OMGWTF?? factor in an unknown blue collar killing.

Just remember kids. Being newsworthy is based on being famous and then going Manson on people. Can't wait until Paris Hilton wigs out on Nicole. There is a lesson to be learned from this though. Dont worship people or gods. It only leads to heartache.

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