The Calcutta Special

It seems in this day and age to be a common occurrence. You decide that 11 hours of being jacked in and relaxing is hard work. So you do what you know you should and book the family unit in for quality time. Dinner, conversation and a chance to play with the kids before bed. You cooked the meal. You have your butt poised in that position that makes it hurt your knees if you stop and the @#%$ing phone rings. You can tell by the tone it is the Calcutta special. Your family arent even ignorant enough to call at this time of day without someone being dead.

I hear ya when you say "Well don't answer it". But, I'm a great believer in instant karma. Thing is im generous to a fault with it. You annoy me and I will stop just short of destroying your mind for the fun of it. I have recieved so many of these calls now that I have types listed mentally from the first few words.

THE SPIEL CHOKE: These tardnuts are nearly as useful as a recorded message. You pick up the magic talking stick and before you can say a word they read the script at a speed that would make ADHD look passive, in an accent that can only make me think of Kwik E Mart. Good news here is you just keep interrupting with "What are you selling?" They have to start again on the spiel because you threw off the groove.

THE TRAGIC : These poor saps get on the phone with a tone of misery that can only be attained from being whipped with a wet salted bunch of leather 23.5 hours a day. These are the ones where I feel almost obligated to listen to them and be polite for fear that the supervisor of the 10 cent a day sweat shop will shoot them to be replaced by the next eager candidate if they dont get the spiel out.

THE TECH PROBLEM: These are the ones that convince me that no-one in India has ever seen a tone dial phone let alone a cell.It ends up like a who's on first? sketch. Hello? Hello? Hello? "You are to be having a very not good line sir."( Notes 10 second delay, static and echo with a faint trace of Bollywood music) These ones are good you can hang up without offending them.

THE VISHNU: Look out. These are the ones you need to have your guard up for. It seems like the arm you are on is very rudely interrupting the other seven arm's calls. Without fail these ones are female every time. Short, sharp and highly abrasive. The tone makes you feel like you have just killed her grandmother. You are one of the chosen few graced with the importance of her time. No is not an option (either that or I need to learn the hindi for %$&# off you skank stain.) You will comply. The Bollywood Borg have you now. Im scared to hang up on these ones. You get the feeling that you will find a severed goat's head in your mailbox the next week.

THE REPEAT OFFENDER: Fairly obvious. ::ring ring:: ::insert choice of no thankyou:: ::click:: ::ring ring:: "You just called me. Move your finger down the list one line FFS" I have had this repeat a record 6 times in one evening later than 8:30pm.

THE WOODY ALLEN: These guys should be more numerous. They know the answer before you speak and just give up with a polite thankyou before you can get into them.

The US thought they had an epidemic with postal workers. Wait until this mob reaches critical mass on the stress scale. It will make 28 Weeks Later look like Bambi. "CNN reports 1, 578, 426 fatalities accounted for so far in the Bombay Bloodbath" It will all end in tears. Mark my words.

Wrasslin with da Family

Don't get me wrong. I think stuntmen are the unsung heroes of entertainment. The real ones that is. The ones behind the scenes or with their back to the camera. I think that the problem we have is with the ones that think they are superheroes. Spandex bags of wallnuts with the brains of slime mould and the braun of small tanks.

Take said jock and give them a script that would make Days of our young and restless bold and beautiful hospitals look like Hamlet. Get them to show the world hate is bad love is good through pretending to beat the hell out of echother (are you seeing where im going yet? If not WWE.com may be where you need to be. They have chicks as well as dudes for you sexually insecure types) Better yet make sure that this violence solves everything fiction appeals to the audience that least understands the concept of it not being real. Namely kids and rednecks. Hell I enjoy seeing a good bit of violence on the screen or in dem dere videeuh gaymes. But handing a copy of rocky to a brain damaged redneck is only asking for trouble.

So what comes now? Psychological testing of all the freaks in the show? Nah. Business as usual. Doesn't happen often enough for it to be anything to do with injecting the juice of horse testicles into yourself 3 times a day "for the sake of the fans" never mind the presures of having to to stay employed as a human punching bag.

Hollywood will be licking their lips waiting to pounce on the rights to the B grade midday movie "Wrasslin with da Family" A gritty drama of a hero turned villain. No doubt it will be embellished with his wife being taken out with a choke slam and his son going out with a pile driver and in between scenes of him pacing the back yard talking to himself as if the camera isnt there. (Be a giggle if he asked for a microphone to speak to the fans huh?)
From reports it looks like a bit of religion was involved here. Never understood religion myself. Seems way too illogical. Read the good book, kill your family and give them a copy each after they are a little bit too dead to read it and then go hang yourself for good measure. Am I missing something here? Oh yeah the big point. Why does this idiot rate being talk of the town just because he liked to cuddle other guys while he wears lycra girdles? An idiot my Dad worked with set fire to his wife after he tied her to the bed. Didnt even make the news. Maybe because it wouldnt make good TV. Not enough OOH AHHHHHHHH OMGWTF?? factor in an unknown blue collar killing.

Just remember kids. Being newsworthy is based on being famous and then going Manson on people. Can't wait until Paris Hilton wigs out on Nicole. There is a lesson to be learned from this though. Dont worship people or gods. It only leads to heartache.

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